Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
