but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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