i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
