I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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