She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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