My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
