chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
