I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Oh god it's open bar.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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