I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
