this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
