Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
