I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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