Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
