I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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