Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize