Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
