3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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