She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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