just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
