Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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