So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
