It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
