Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
