I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
