Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
