do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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