just tell him i said nine months
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
