New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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