apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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