I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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