So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
