Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
