I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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