I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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