now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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