Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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