just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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