Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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