So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
