Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
