Old men and throwing up are my life now.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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