He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
