It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
