i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
