Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
