Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
