I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
