Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I need water and some morals
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
