So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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