I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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