she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
