PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
