Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
