she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
