She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
