I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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