now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
