Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
