i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
