If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
