listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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