my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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