I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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