how hairy? two words: wookie tits
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
