my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
