Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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